| lately i've been remembering things that i wish i couldn't remember. they seep back into my mind on a daily basis and show up in my dreams at night. i can't figure out how to permanently delete these memories. i wondered if they are things that i must forgive myself of, but that is not it. these are not sins, nor secret things i have done that no one must know of. they are just memories that bring frustration and intense aversion to all things related to them.
there was a point in my life when i used to experience moments, whether good or bad, in a certain way that would make them a pleasure to remember. perhaps it was a time when i used to write more often. writing used to be a therapeutic thing for me when dealing with difficult situations, thoughts, ideas, complicated relationships, etc. i guess because i was forced to sit down and think about them in a way that i could explain to myself (the reader), in the most simplest and logical way. there is a kind of resolve in the process, thinking through it as if unraveling knots interlocked in webs. there is also the separation of oneself from the thing itself, and pursuing the matter at hand indirectly, however directly. you know, without running away from the problems. i think of this ability as magical thinking.
writing had always been a very self-indulgent outlet for me, because thinking is a luxury. to have endless uninterrupted time for oneself to think about all sorts of things isn't something most people have. and even if some people do have that time, they might not always see it an attractive thing to do sitting around just... thinking. they would rather use the time for something more "productive", probably so as not to think about unpleasant memories.
i didn't always just sit around thinking, i listened to music, read books. looked at pictures, watch movies. but even these sources were only used to enhance whatever i was thinking about at that moment, furthering my experience of these emotions and feelings. they were mostly positive, though there have been a few times that have pushed me to the edge of insanity, but i've since recovered.
i always have a hard time ending or concluding things i've written. i never know when it's time to stop. when i have said all that i needed to say. i am not very good with editing. and if there is something that i couldn't say maybe it was best not to say anything at all. and if i do say things i shouldn't have said, it's because something deep inside, the some of all my beliefs and intense passionate feelings, have urged me to say so. though i must confess that i haven't felt any intense feeling to say anything. it is both good and bad. good, because i found peace within, bad because i have no desire to write.
i am still getting used to my new life. i have no rush to do anything or go anywhere else at this time. i more patient and forgiving of myself. there is both complete freedom and liberation but there is also a very important part of my life that keeps me grounded for which i have no proper words to explain the greatness of it all at the moment.
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| [bitter-]sweet home chicago.
three months isn't enough time for me to forget how you really are. i missed you old city and all the great things we've shared, but i've come back too soon that i thought i could stand your bitter coldness and fight those blues. don't be mad at me for leaving you for another, but 20 years should suffice of your blustery winds. i shall be content with appreciating you from afar. chicago, or should i say shikaakwa, you're pretty and all but you can really stink.
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|  matthew turned 16 on thursday. today were celebrating with a costume party ;P i remember 10 years ago, he also had a costume party. i decided to wear my costume since i was volunteering at the local park "haunted trails" so as to practice my "acting skills" and scare the kids. i dressed up as a witch and painted my face all white with black circles around my eyes. i walked around following and staring at people and getting really close to their face. they were getting pretty uncomfortable. i got a kick out of that. this one kid, who i always here stories about being bad, was being a typical annoying 6 year old boy. i decided to follow him around and stare at him most of the time, til he got so scared he started crying and went home. his parents came over shortly. today i'm going to attempt to paint my face like one of these dia de los muertos skulls. i hope sofia doesn't get scared of me.  |
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| yeah i don't post as much as i used to. it's because of twitter! and also tumblr which has made it easy to just reblog. i know that's cheating. i don't intend on abandoning you though. sometime in the near future i intend to have a real post.
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| i don't know what it is, but chicago depresses me. i really did miss this city though, it's pristine and it always makes me feel brand new. i think i will take sofia on the el tomorrow and visit all the nooks i used to tuck myself into. and maybe i'll go for a bike ride in the morning.
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